My husband asked me whether his snoring ever disrupts my sleep and I said no and he responded “ok, I was just wondering if we were BOTH doing that to each other . . .”
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When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
The best plant holders?
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
