My husband asked me whether his snoring ever disrupts my sleep and I said no and he responded “ok, I was just wondering if we were BOTH doing that to each other . . .”
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I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.