Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician

That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.

Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.

Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.

I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”

When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

just arby’s bein’ a bro

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?

This seems like a really, really bad idea.

*jumps in with both feet*

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.

Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.

Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!

…
…

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-

Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.

petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.

After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.

as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree