My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
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Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
