Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.

The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”

Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.

2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again

Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

HER: men are so creepy

ME(from inside the walls): define creepy

I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂

5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”

Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.