Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.

Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.

Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.

There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

Me: Put on your seatbelt.

13: Do I have to?

Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield

13: cool

Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

🤣🤣🤣

If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.

Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]

if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there

1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

Got him!

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.

me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?

dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling

“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”

welp

People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.

Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.