My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
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The best shot in the history of golf
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”