My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.