My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
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Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup