Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids: Stay in school.

When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date

Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this

My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

Me: Why were my tests so expensive?

Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.

Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?

Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog

I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks

Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar

Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.

when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing

I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.

wtf management?!

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.

My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine

Jfc