My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
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“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.