Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”

When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.

Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.

We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.

My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

i think both sides are to blame here

Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?

Me: just a little boo boo.

Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?

Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.

“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.

👀

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

Me: I think I saw a murder.

Policeman: Are you positive?

Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.

Policeman: About the murder.

Me: Not really. No.

Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater

“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

Funny women are smart. Be careful.

SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.

ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

My summer body has been pending for about ten years

Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?

I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.