My husband ate the last chicken nugget so I’m single now.
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As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.