My husband ate the last chicken nugget so I’m single now.
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Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
❤️❤️❤️
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.