Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”

Lets all agree,

having your cake and eating it too,

is the same damn thing.

We need to put an American base on the sun

Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?

British websites use biscuits.

ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*

GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

the male barbie should’ve been named barbo

A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.

how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism

“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”

Me: I love fresh bed linen

Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis

me: sorry this place is such a mess

her: it’s my house

Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.