My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
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When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I love you…
…r dog.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Come back with a warrant
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.