My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
You Might Also Like
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
*limbos away from your hug*
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra