Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.

My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.

I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.

I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.

Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.

Me: *throws watch into river*

My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

Optional boss fight.

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.

Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.

Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.

My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture

turning my gender off to conserve energy

Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.

Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?

Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit

Hubs: um…

Me: oh bugger!

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.

yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart

My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”

“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”

I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”

I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”

Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?