My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
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QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
jesus christ confetti not now
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.