My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
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“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
wait.
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.