My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
You Might Also Like
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
respect
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.