Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..

*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.

Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair

Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT

Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.

Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction

Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot

Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.

Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me

prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

Friend: What’s that you’re reading?

Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”

Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?

Me: $24.99.

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

Stages of helping your kids with a project:

1. Ok first off, when is it due?

2. Wait, WHAT??