My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
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Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Love is always patient and kind.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
I have obtained a hat
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
time machine? you mean a clock?
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress