My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
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Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.