Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{emceeing banquet}

Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”

uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou

i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge

Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.

Become ungovernable.

NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD

Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM

11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?

Me: Great!

11: Want to hear it again?

Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?

*pronounces carrot like tarot*

The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.

At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit

“Dadd-”

“No.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”

Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him