My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow
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That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
inside you are two wolves
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.