My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow
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*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Lol.
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“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale