My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
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i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
💀💀💀💀
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?