Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

her: babe!

me: wait, I want to word this tweet right

her: BABE!!

me: and send… what was the question?

minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.

It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist

Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.

For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.

Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality

Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.

“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”

Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.

Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.

[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those