My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
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Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
honey, bring out the fine china.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.