My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
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Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times