Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.

Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?

EXCUSE ME?!

*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad

*snaps newspaper* that’s better

absolutely not

Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell

me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye

*pulled over by cop*

Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?

*tags cop*

Me: You’re it!

Cop:

Me running away: Renewed!

My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.

guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

[two astronauts in space station]

“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows

Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?

“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”

But…I’m Swedish!

“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.

Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.

My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought

What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now

what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one

Is there a sale on stupidity, cause that shit is everywhere.