My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
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*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.