Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a first date]

Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]

Me: *sets straw down* Sorry

I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

me: how’d the date go

friend: i got ghosted

me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards

Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:

1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.

You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.

I’m sorry…what?

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.

Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.

Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”

Me: “It’s a secret.”

Job interviewer: “You got the job.”

[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family

best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets

I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

Smile Twitter, Smile.

Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously