Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just had my nails done!

I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.

A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.

a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”

Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.

A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves

this could fix me

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.

Sticker placement is key.

ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.

🤣dope

Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?

current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?

In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal

Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China

we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true

*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives