My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
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Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”