My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
You Might Also Like
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )