My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
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Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
i wish i could marry a nap
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”