My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
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“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
dogs can find happiness so easily
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.