Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.

I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”

Batman: I’m afraid of bats

Superman: I’m afraid of soup

The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.

When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.

Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?

Doctor: I hate this job.

Me: Do you ever get a sharp stabbing pain in your head and groin?
Annoying coworker: No.

Me, angrily throwing away the voodoo doll

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.

[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?

Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

[emerging from a ten year coma]

my dad: look who finally got up

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant