My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
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[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.