Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow

That’s not how days work.

I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.

If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.

Apparently they are called children.

Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up

ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up

Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?

My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:

A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or

Wait for it

ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh

*alien probing me

Me: Ok a little to the left

Alien: I SAID STOP THAT

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers