Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

*duck waddles into bar

Duck: Bread

*bartender takes slice out of bag

D (angry): Just leave the loaf

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’

person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer

me *on my deathbed: I doubt it

Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.

oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]

You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.

Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”

Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”

My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.

i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there

Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down

Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.

4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?

Me: A million.

4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?

Me: Must’ve been an earthquake

told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)