My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
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landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Hero horse inspires millions
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs