My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
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me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Sending in my taxes
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her
I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste