Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[meeting]

BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan

ME: Perhapselline?

MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?

B: You’re incredible, Gary

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.

I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.

someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.

“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011

Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.

Money is the root of all wealth

8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?

M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?

One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?

50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch

If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again

My silence ends today. The Toys R Us song is full of lies. “There’s a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with.”

1. Grammar aside, that figure is wildly overestimated.
2. If you tried to play with most of them without buying them, that giraffe would hunt you for sport.

Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep