My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
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WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
What kind of a cult is this?
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.