My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
You Might Also Like
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please