My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
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My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.