My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
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My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.