My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
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People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.