@3sunzzz

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

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@lazerdoov

Gramma gramma gramma gramma gramma chameleon she’s old and cold she’s old and coooooold

@Zac_Franklin

my default response when someone questions a risky text of mine is “sorry, I was drunk.”

But now everyone thinks I’m an alcoholic so..shit.

@trojansauce

DATE: *takes a sip of her water*
ME: haha ok wow can you tone down the pda you’re behaving very erotically

@sensual_dad

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

@ANastyGorilla

If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?

@mydanimarie

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

@patnspankme

her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.

@lecalabara

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

@SondraDeeMe

My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.

@1_swarthy_dude

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.