My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
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There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you