My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
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*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
lmao
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Do one person every day that scares you.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away