Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?

I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.

I’m the keen oat speaker.

*coughs*

So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!

A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do

My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door

Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate

If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement

Smile Twitter, Smile.

Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.

Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”

Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰

My baby:

REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:

Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.

when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO

Me: are they human?

Him: no they’re-

Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.

[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating