Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious

titanic

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon

I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?

⛄️

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

groan^2

wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol

the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.

Stooooppp!!! 😂😂

Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.

Battle of the bird feeder

Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio

The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.

they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.