My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

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Please teach your children how babies come out of the womb.

Otherwise, your kid is going to convince my kid that they were pooped out


Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.


9: do they drink beer in heaven?

Me: I kinda doubt it…

9: does somebody check for it at the gate?

Me: …


Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family


Don’t judge. Maybe I’m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don’t know.


Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”


Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*


If Bears ruled the world, I wonder if they would care whether or not the Humans they mauled were free-range.


when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus