@3sunzzz

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

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@Sultani_Sails

Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.

@ch000ch

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

@Try2StopME

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

@asherperlman

“He seems kind of rude”

“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”

“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”

@klickitatstreet

I’d only marry someone if they seemed like they’d be pretty easygoing during our divorce.

@tinatbh

people: u should smile

me: not unless u deposit 2 million dollars in my bank account thanks

@thomas_violence

(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂

@SarahAMoulton

*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.

@SamuelHLowe

– I’m here to register for the pessimists’ club.
– Is the glass half empty or half full?
– What glass?
– Gentlemen, we have a new leader!