@3sunzzz

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

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@itsmebeegee07

Please teach your children how babies come out of the womb.

Otherwise, your kid is going to convince my kid that they were pooped out

@FINALLEVEL

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

@jbringsmayhem

9: do they drink beer in heaven?

Me: I kinda doubt it…

9: does somebody check for it at the gate?

Me: …

@BoomBoomBetty

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

@hazelmotes1

Don’t judge. Maybe I’m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don’t know.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”

@OrdinaryAlso

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

@neiltyson

If Bears ruled the world, I wonder if they would care whether or not the Humans they mauled were free-range.

@midtownrat

when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus