My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

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Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.


[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless


If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.


“He seems kind of rude”

“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”

“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”


I’d only marry someone if they seemed like they’d be pretty easygoing during our divorce.


people: u should smile

me: not unless u deposit 2 million dollars in my bank account thanks


(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂


*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.


– I’m here to register for the pessimists’ club.
– Is the glass half empty or half full?
– What glass?
– Gentlemen, we have a new leader!