My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
You Might Also Like
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.