My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
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Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Fidel Castro was alive?
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet