My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
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Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
sry
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?