Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?

Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this

I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me

That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

4: Let’s play.

Me: Ok.

4: You can be the mommy.

Me: Sure.

4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.

Me: Nope, I’m out.

we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed

Not even remotely sorry.

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out

blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend

Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)

Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”

BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”

Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”

[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is problematic

me: then maybe give me a different word

I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.

I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware

the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat

I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.