Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*

imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.

If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅

Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot

Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card

I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻‍♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.

if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care

At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.

sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”

“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”

I don’t think you will….

Inventor of beer: This will change the world.

Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]

Lol.

[job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?

“Yes”

WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.

Rastafarian guy in the sauna this morning was telling me I should be making my own honey. “Anyone can buy a bee”, he said. I nodded, taking it to heart. There was a 10 second pause, after which a Polish bodybuilder in the corner interjected: “you need more bee”