Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

Friday

Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.

Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.

[Confessional Booth]

Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.

Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!

Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?

No weirdos.

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??

My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

just in case someone hasn’t told you today,

i’m gorgeous.

‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.

Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?

Good times.

[pet store]

Me: your parrot called me a cracker.

Manager: maybe he was asking..

[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*

centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: agh I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

How many light bulbs does it take to change people?

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

the three best gummy flavors, together at last

“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”

Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin