My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
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I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Nothing to do, you say?
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now