My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
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I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
#have a #great #PancakeDay
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
iPhone X
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a