Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.

If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.

*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.

Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.

Everyone:

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.

Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?

Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok

Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning

Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*

Me: I hate you

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance

[trying to unhook a bra]

*kung fu noises*

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops

Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza