My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
You Might Also Like
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.