My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
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A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Miscakes
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
the worm is coming from inside the brain
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*
My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times
My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds
A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”
There is still no bar
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
the three branches of government
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.