My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
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ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’