My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know![]()
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The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!