Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.

Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*

Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%

Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat

A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.

im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out

Cats love it when you give them a mohawk

*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*

FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.

ME: There’s been quarantines?

Unexpected Judgment

FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.

Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???

Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.

*aliens land in America*

Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!

Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…

“How did your

*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*

favorite sports team do in their

*looks down again*

sporting contest today?”

Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?

A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.

3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦

her: let’s make a baby

me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List

so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”

I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”