My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.
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this is why you should always wash behind your ears
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Putting socks on my feet to keep me warm isn’t enough. I want them to come up to my shoulders
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
The options really are this bad
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”