My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.
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Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
when unicorns get really drunk
