My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.
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My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant