My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.
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I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
Fun Things
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”