Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess

I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?

i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!

Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder

Teacher: You know what, please don’t!

If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”

I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭

Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle

#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

meow

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”

Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*

This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

My wife is just 3 days younger than me…

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.