Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

We will use anything but the metric system

German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”

9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.

Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?

9: what?

Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?

9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!

Me: are you nervous?

9: stop!!!

Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.

*seductively corrects your posture*

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?

Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”

#winning

The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…

-stalker’s

What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

[date]

Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?

Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.

Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!

Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged

HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

I would give up shouting at trees for you.

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he